Nov 26, 2007

Parenting 101


Nobody told me this stuff before, so I thought I'd shout it out to the "Cavern of Crickets and Tumbleweed", otherwise known as my blog.

Rule #1
When you have the kids to yourself for the weekend, they will independently get up at 6:15 (subtract 7 minutes for each beer you consumed the previous evening). On Monday they will sleep in. Isn’t that nice?

Rule #2
If you remember to bring diapers, soothers, parkas, snow-pants, a bottle of chilled milk, Kleenex, raisins, stuffed animals, a bib, chocolate cookies, hats, mitts, scarves, Thomas trains and Robeez on a vehicular excursion, you will - by virtue of Newton's 4th law - forget wipes. Then your daughter will poo; the viscosity being proportional to the income of the people you are visiting.

Rule #3
If you let them “burn off some steam” by themselves, children will run into something that leaves a bruise shaped like an adult fist. When asked about this by their mother, they mysteriously won’t remember the cause. However, when others ask, injured children will say something like, “Daddy has a penis.” The older one will corroborate.

Rule #4
When serving children their 3 most favorite foods in the universe – food that their mother would strike you for even entertaining - you will not have the ingredients for chocolate milk. This will negate all fun that you have had in the previous 48 hours. Chocolate milk administered in the next hour will only make it worse.

Rule #5
Children sleeping in a moving car are subjected to an Einsteinian phenomenon known as “REM acceleration”, which stipulates that as one approaches the speed of light, time is sped up while mass increases. Thus, a 2-hour nap is completed in 15 minutes with a measurable increase in diaper mass. Sucks to be you.

Rule #6
PVRs are programmed to cut off the last, crucial seconds of all Dora and Diego stories. Revealing how the story ends is of little avail. Chocolate milk should be administered.