Dec 21, 2007

New Rules 2008


New Rules 2008

If you call my house, you must reveal your name in the first 5.6 seconds. If Oswald can get off 3 shots, surely you can extend me the courtesy most 4-year-olds possess.

No more asking me if I have my Optima/AirMiles/IrrelevantExpress Card. If I’m too stupid not to claim the immense riches offered by these world-class philanthropists, I obviously don’t deserve them.

If you send out a Christmas newsletter, you are hereby obliged to include three negative details about your year. I don’t care that Kaitlin went to the Royal Canadian Mint with her class. I care that your husband got so drunk on St Patrick’s Day he shat in the dishwasher.

New rule... anybody who drinks bottled water, wears Crocs, or watches Access Hollywood is no longer allowed to comment on George Bush’s intelligence.

If you are inside Home Depot and you are wearing an orange apron, stop ignoring me like I'm a leprous amputee panhandler.

If you’re a non-leprous, non-amputee panhandler, get a job; Home Depot seems to have a pretty open-door policy.

Canada no longer has a claim on the North Pole, okay. This is like Woody Allen having a claim to the gold medal in welterweight judo. Also, Canada is not allowed to claim Hans Island from Denmark with a straight face. Hans Island... does not belong to Denmark? We're not even trying. At least say it's actual name is Kuumonnashotpot or something.

Mark's Work Warehouse - no more asking me my postal code. If you want to compile consumer data, you can pay me. Otherwise, BuZ OfF.

Reality check... ‘Your mother’s maiden name?’ is not a security question. At best, it’s a thinly-veiled crack at feminists. What? Internet thieves are savvy enough to hack into your account, but they can't Google your Mom's bio?

Any new supermarket that puts the milk at the front-left rather than the back-right gets all my business from here on in, no questions asked.

Quit telling me to watch ‘House’ and ‘Boston Legal’. My crap schedule is brimming as is. Yes, I know Shatner is funny. Where were you when he took a stab at ‘Rocket Man’?

Okay, this shouldn't even have to be said... you may wear a toque or a scarf indoors if you're cold. You may wear a t-shirt if you're warm. You may not do both, Mr. Twenty-something dorkwad. Yes, I understand you saw this look on The OC or something, but you have just negated every day at high school that you did not get beat up. This "look" makes me want to go back in time, take shop, work out, and beat you up myself.

Quit making me scroll through every country on earth every time I buy something online. If Google knows I’m looking for “barely legal slut-dwarves” when I type in “ba…”, surely the web can take an educated guess as to what fucking country I live in.

Pass this along to 10 friends in the next 5 minutes and your wish will come true – so long as your wish is, “I want 10 people to think I am a sheep.”