Jan 18, 2008

My 'Axis of Evil' includes PlayDoh.

This week's Parenting Tip concerns the elemental foundation of all evil, PlayDoh.

When you first have kids, you are quite happily reintroduced to it. You crack the lid, close your eyes, squish it through your fingers and inhale deeply through the nostrils. You actually feel like taking a bite out of it. The smell is time travel at its finest -- the glory days of hanging out at the Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop. (Although FPBS was way after my time, I loved to abuse the one my friend’s sister had. “We’ll fix mommy’s hair just so. You can make it with PlaaayDoh!”) *

You give it to your kids. They love it. You make balls with it, snowmen, spaghetti, a lot of snakes... you overlook the fact that it picks up hair and crumbs like an obsessive-compulsive Swiffer.

And a week later you realize something awful. PlayDoh sucks. PlayDoh sucks harder than an asthmatic black hole who really wants a part in the movie.

Little red and blue bits of it get into the living room carpet - whether or not the kids play there. (It takes only thirty minutes of neglect for The Feces of the Gods to start flaking). Worst of all - to artistic control freaks - kids insist on mixing all the colours together into a dark magenta swirl. After they go to bed, you search in vain for the missing lids, stuff it back in the tubs and hope the kids won’t miss it.

They will.

They bug you until it comes out again, and the now crustier Snot of Death crumbles ever-larger chunks onto the floor. (Unless you plan on installing a humidor in the playroom, you’re going to really start rethinking your nostalgia. For a couple of weeks in 2005, I was actually running it under a little water at night and kneading it ‘til it returned to semi-normal. The resulting D’oh was then perfectly malleable, but with a slightly reduced hue, due to the unnaturally vibrant dye being leached to the lake and - no doubt - my bloodstream.)

On September 4th, 2007 - by complete coincidence, a day after my son's 4th birthday - I had a moment of clarity. This is where the actual advice comes in:

Think short-term pain for long-term sanity. Let entropy take over. Force it. The longer you try to forestall the atomization of The Devil’s Booger, the more you will want to kill your child which, as I have mentioned before, is illegal - unless he is the actual antichrist, in which case you need special daggers from Megiddo. And try getting those on a plane.

Seriously; let it dry up. Let them mix the colours all they want. Let them play with it all over the house. As long as you can handle a couple of nerve-wracking weeks vacuuming Rainbow Shite out of your pile, the payoff is worth it.

Then one beautiful day you will stumble across a golf ball-sized chunk of desiccated PlayDoh under the couch, that is quite obviously beyond hydration therapy. Into the green bin it goes. And then… exhale deeply through your nostrils. The scourge is gone.

*Historical note: unlike PlayDoh, you could not “make it” with Plato, thus the absence of the “Pladonic relationship” in our culture.

Jan 17, 2008

Okay, Timeout.

No more wearing 'Phat Farm' if you're actually fat. If you still need to be in the stupidity loop, you can order appetite suppressants from 'Fat Pharm' - Open 24 Hours.

Also, use of the "word" Fashionista without rolling your eyes and using air-quotes is now punishable by a forced inverted faux-mohawk for one year.

Jan 16, 2008

Whopper Redux

Due to the unfortunate shutting down of the Whopper commercial, I offer the XYVIIII version of Royale with Cheese. Sadly, only audio.

Jan 15, 2008

Enter the Meathead.

In case you were unaware, Citytv is airing the new "American Gladiators". I only pray these guys are smart enough to stay away from steroids.

Have it your way, biatch.

Wow. I thought I liked eating the odd Whopper.

Jan 9, 2008

Chill Magazine's Six Pack

In response to friends of mine who don't go to the beer store any more, I offer the director's cut of a bunch of Six Packs from Chill:

Six reasons hockey beats football:

1. In 1972, the Miami Dolphins won every game, including the Super Bowl… but they didn't beat the Russians, pal.

2. Stanley Cup resembles the transmission of a huge muscle car. Vince Lombardi Trophy looks suspiciously like a sex toy.

3. Super Bowl: uses indecipherable Roman numerals. Stanley Cup? Numbers, baby. Numbers!

4. Henri Richard won 11 Stanley Cups, more than Super Bowls won by both Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana… without a helmet, I might add.

5. Stanley Cup: 34.5 lbs. Vince Lombardi Trophy? 7 lbs. Puh-lease.

6. Football: notorious for female wardrobe malfunctions. Hockey? Notorious for bloody brawls.

7. Stanley Cup can be filled with champagne or beer nuts. Vince Lombardi Trophy… can juice oranges.

Perfectly Do-able New Years Resolutions

1. Firmly resolve to stop snorting every time someone says "caulking", "titillating", or "Balzac"

2. Will attempt, with my utmost conviction, to stop blaming bodily sounds on my significant other... unless the guys are there.

3. This year, with God as my witness, I will put the seat back down… I will then install a urinal with a plasma screen TV above it.

4. I pledge to begin a solid regimen of low-carb eating, cardio-vascular exercise and meditation… right after the Leafs win the cup.

5. When asked to attend a baby shower on Superbowl Sunday, I promise to spend at least 30 minutes creating a perfectly acceptable lie.

6. Will stop reading over people's shoulders while they are facing me.

7. When introduced to someone new, I will repeat his name three times in conversation so as not to forget, then cut a loud one.

Six Pack Cage Match... Halloween vs. Thanksgiving

1. Thanksgiving: turnips, peas and squash. Halloween? Ninety little Snickers bars.
Advantage: Halloween.

2. Thanksgiving: Passing around a dozen plates until you develop tennis-elbow. Halloween? One bag. No share-sies. Advantage: Halloween.

3. Halloween: stringing up big gobs of “spider webs” on everything. Thanksgiving? Not so much.
Advantage: Thanksgiving.

4. Thanksgiving: Pretending to enjoy the company of old relatives who smell like beef stock. Halloween? Mouthing off at anyone from behind a cheap mask.
Advantage: Halloween.

5. Thanksgiving: If you have close relatives in the States, you can do it twice. Halloween… Basically lasts two hours.
Advantage: Thanksgiving.

6. Number of cool horror movies about Halloween? Too numerous to mention. Thanksgiving? Apparently there is one. Nobody saw it.
Advantage: Halloween.

7. Thanksgiving: Greeting people and blessing dinner. Halloween? Egging people and skipping dinner.
Advantage: Halloween.

Winnah? Halloween!

Six Ways to Make Autumn More Fun:

1. To get that ‘Indian Summer’ feel all fall, keep your thermostat at 5 Celsius. When you go outside… mmmmm, boy.

2. Instead of raking all your leaves, try to persuade neighbourhood kids that they’re actually $5 bills in cocoon stage.

3. Attend med-school lectures at your local university. Every five minutes or so act confused and ask where the knee bone’s connected.

4. Your wife doesn’t like football or hockey? Start watching cockfights on Channel 875. She’ll come around.

5. Instead of covering your empty pool, rent it to film students as a blue-screen sound stage.

6. The day after your local Dairy Queen closes, bring your kids there and cry ‘til someone serves you.

7. Give someone a good laugh next spring by leaving a skeleton and clubs on the 5th green at your golf course.

8. To make autumn walks even more pleasant, plan out scenic stops at local taverns and “dancing” establishments.

Things not to forget when closing the cottage for the season:

1. For more “rustic” feel next summer, try locking up food and squirrels in bedroom.

2. When lifting dock out of water, remember to untie boats first!

3. Instead of hi-tech security system, leave goalie mask and hatchets around the place.

4. If screen door still squeaks after applying WD-40, try applying generous amount of your fist.

5. Replenish outhouse with plenty of dual-use Family Circus comics.

6. When putting boat away for the winter, remember to turn off whirling blade-thingy.

7. Before shutting off water, remember to re-fill lake to proper level.

8. For lottery-winners only: don’t forget to tell your parents that the whole ”buying-them-a-cottage” thing was a joke. Just imagine!

9. Safety note: leftover propane should not be stored in sandwich bags.

Six handy tips for improving your summer

1. Plan ahead. When calling in sick, turn off the jet-ski first.

2. Sure it’s a cool trick, but if you’re hoping to be re-invited to a cottage, quit opening beer bottles off the stuffed moose.

3. When the guy working the grill asks if you want “your buns toasted” - let it slide, funny guy.

4. Girl with socks and sandals? Bad. Girl with socks and sandals and nothing else? Negotiable.

5. When camping, improve your chances at remaining a lifelong virgin by whispering “Ch-ch-ch…kill-kill-kill” all the time.

6. You say “Blue Box and Green Bin” - I say “Portable hot-tub with a 48 beer cooler”!

7. Hey, bald guy. Your goatee isn’t taking anyone’s eyes off that dome-burn you got. Get a ball cap. Better yet, get me a beer from that Green Bin over there.

8. Fact: pouring a beer on those BBQ ribs looks slightly cool. Fact 2: That’s one less pour that is going in my mouth, Bobby Flay.

Failed “Winter Tourism in Canada” Campaigns:

1. Newfoundland: not just cold, damp.

2. Winter hiking in the Rockies: Bring your fat friends!

3. Who’s got Monopoly money now, yankee!

4. Toronto: if you thought the winters were cold, wait ‘til you meet the women.

5. Ontario: yours to ignore ‘til May.

6. Inukshuks: They're not just for white guys!

7. Canada: The land that global warming forgot.

8. Tundramania!

Six reasons Daylight Saving Time had to be changed:

1. Jack Bauer wanted challenge of missing hour in spring.

2. ‘Land of the Midnight Dusk’ more tourist-friendly.

3. Americans concerned we were enjoying freezing-cold pitch darkness too much.

4. ‘Daylight Savings Bond’ not accumulating enough interest.

5. Nationwide interest in making Saskatchewan feel silly just a bit longer.

6. Gives us something to talk about in March, other than “When the heck is Easter?”.

Six things you might not have known about May

1. “May” was likely named after Maia, the Roman goddess of fertility – as opposed to Maibenot, the Roman goddess of abstinence.

2. Under most circumstances, Cinco de Mayo should never involve actual mayo.

3. ‘Victoria Day’ is known as ‘Patriots Day’ in Quebec - strangely enough, in reference to the 2005 Superbowl winners.

4. The first May 2-4 was celebrated in 1837 by Queen Victoria whose parents had a really wicked cottage.

5. May is the 5th month. May has 31 days. 5 plus 31 is 36. I don’t know what that means, but someone owes me a beer.

6. May 4th is ‘Star Wars Day’ (“May the 4th be with you”). I swear to god, I’m not making this up.

7. Coincidentally, May 5th is “Wedgie Awareness Day”

Least Popular Video Games

Star Wars: Empire of Royalties

Hot Dog Tycoon III

SWAT: Seniors With Advanced Turret's

John Madden's Buffet Blitz

Lord of the Dance II: Battle for Centre Stage

The Sims 3: Back to The Couch

Grand Theft Auto IV: Makin' License Plates

Age of Umpires: High and Inside

Dungeons & Dragons: GirlQuest

Worst excuses for not fixing your deck:

1. Pressure-washer already being used in my homemade hot-tub.

2. Too many people partying on it.

3. Gaping holes provide convenient waste disposal.

4. Confused, animal-loving girlfriend won't let me use Thompson's Water Seal.

5. Barbecue already sits perfectly on disused car out back.

6. 96 new cases of beer = "Insta-Deck"

7. Blew all my money fixing the cat.

Top 6 Ways to Ruin Mothers' Day

1. While eating an entire bag of cookies before Sunday dinner, casually mention to your mom that those starving kids in China seem to be doing all right now.

2. If she hates your gift, remind her that the last time you used macaroni and gold spray-paint, she wept with happiness.

3. While watching an episode of Maury, keep insisting that your mother submit to a DNA test, "just for kicks".

4. Gift Suggestion: bring her a bunch of glued-together plates and cups and tell her it's to make up for all the ones you broke as a child.

5. In addition to a Mothers' Day card, bring her a Birthday, Easter and Christmas card, "so she can enjoy them all year round".

6. Memo to self: no matter how big a reader your mother is, 'Oedipus Rex' is best left to college students.

7. Bring her a floral wreath that says 'In Memoriam'. Tell her you thought it meant 'For Mom'.

8.If she doesn't like your card, try to convince her that being the "World's 3267th Best Mom" is still pretty cool.

6 Ways We're Not Going to Celebrate Canada Day

1. Remind anyone who will listen that it used to be called Dominion Day. If they ask why, tell them, "It's mainly because of the meat!"

2. Two words: Flag Sunburn.

3. Every time somebody says the word "beaver", interrupt by saying, "if you know what I mean". When they stare at you blankly, slowly back away.

4. Burn down the White House.

5. Keep singing "O Canada" to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"

6. Every hour, on the hour, eat a maple donut and a double-double.

7. Retrace the routes of the voyageurs… on a jet-ski.

8. Upper Canada vs. Lower Canada: Tug-o-War.

9. Air show with the Snowbirds… one plane in each province!!!

10.Fireworks at the stroke of noon.

Jan 4, 2008

Viva la Resolu├žion!

My apologies to people who automatically get notified on updates. This exists mostly as a reminder to myself for January 1, 2009.

Resolutions for 2008:

1) Floss three times a week. Hey, that's a 50% increase for me.

2) Photograph something cool every week.

3) Find a way to destroy our 26" tube television without Michelle knowing it was my fault. If only I had a couple of... kids.

4) Keep Avoid writing blog entries in that insouciant, Mac-Guy/PC-Guy style that everybody uses – you know, writing that uses "nope" and "ummm", and is littered with ellipses, em dashes and three-word paragraphs that Ernie Schenck apparently gets a royalty from.

Three word paragraphs.

How very arresting.

5) Be in the room.

6) Never get out of the boat.

7) Always keep your mouth shut and never rat on your friends.

8) Walk tall. Absolutely the only thing I ever learned from Fashion Television (other than don't watch the Victoria's Secret show in loose-fitting pants) was to "walk like there is an invisible thread pulling upward on your head". I swear to God, this adds one and a half inches to your driver's license.

9) Stop arbitrarily numbering pet peeves and goals.

10) Go to New York with a bunch of other guys and drink in a dark bar for two days solid.

That's all, folks.