Jan 9, 2008

Chill Magazine's Six Pack

In response to friends of mine who don't go to the beer store any more, I offer the director's cut of a bunch of Six Packs from Chill:

Six reasons hockey beats football:

1. In 1972, the Miami Dolphins won every game, including the Super Bowl… but they didn't beat the Russians, pal.

2. Stanley Cup resembles the transmission of a huge muscle car. Vince Lombardi Trophy looks suspiciously like a sex toy.

3. Super Bowl: uses indecipherable Roman numerals. Stanley Cup? Numbers, baby. Numbers!

4. Henri Richard won 11 Stanley Cups, more than Super Bowls won by both Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana… without a helmet, I might add.

5. Stanley Cup: 34.5 lbs. Vince Lombardi Trophy? 7 lbs. Puh-lease.

6. Football: notorious for female wardrobe malfunctions. Hockey? Notorious for bloody brawls.

7. Stanley Cup can be filled with champagne or beer nuts. Vince Lombardi Trophy… can juice oranges.

Perfectly Do-able New Years Resolutions

1. Firmly resolve to stop snorting every time someone says "caulking", "titillating", or "Balzac"

2. Will attempt, with my utmost conviction, to stop blaming bodily sounds on my significant other... unless the guys are there.

3. This year, with God as my witness, I will put the seat back down… I will then install a urinal with a plasma screen TV above it.

4. I pledge to begin a solid regimen of low-carb eating, cardio-vascular exercise and meditation… right after the Leafs win the cup.

5. When asked to attend a baby shower on Superbowl Sunday, I promise to spend at least 30 minutes creating a perfectly acceptable lie.

6. Will stop reading over people's shoulders while they are facing me.

7. When introduced to someone new, I will repeat his name three times in conversation so as not to forget, then cut a loud one.

Six Pack Cage Match... Halloween vs. Thanksgiving

1. Thanksgiving: turnips, peas and squash. Halloween? Ninety little Snickers bars.
Advantage: Halloween.

2. Thanksgiving: Passing around a dozen plates until you develop tennis-elbow. Halloween? One bag. No share-sies. Advantage: Halloween.

3. Halloween: stringing up big gobs of “spider webs” on everything. Thanksgiving? Not so much.
Advantage: Thanksgiving.

4. Thanksgiving: Pretending to enjoy the company of old relatives who smell like beef stock. Halloween? Mouthing off at anyone from behind a cheap mask.
Advantage: Halloween.

5. Thanksgiving: If you have close relatives in the States, you can do it twice. Halloween… Basically lasts two hours.
Advantage: Thanksgiving.

6. Number of cool horror movies about Halloween? Too numerous to mention. Thanksgiving? Apparently there is one. Nobody saw it.
Advantage: Halloween.

7. Thanksgiving: Greeting people and blessing dinner. Halloween? Egging people and skipping dinner.
Advantage: Halloween.

Winnah? Halloween!

Six Ways to Make Autumn More Fun:

1. To get that ‘Indian Summer’ feel all fall, keep your thermostat at 5 Celsius. When you go outside… mmmmm, boy.

2. Instead of raking all your leaves, try to persuade neighbourhood kids that they’re actually $5 bills in cocoon stage.

3. Attend med-school lectures at your local university. Every five minutes or so act confused and ask where the knee bone’s connected.

4. Your wife doesn’t like football or hockey? Start watching cockfights on Channel 875. She’ll come around.

5. Instead of covering your empty pool, rent it to film students as a blue-screen sound stage.

6. The day after your local Dairy Queen closes, bring your kids there and cry ‘til someone serves you.

7. Give someone a good laugh next spring by leaving a skeleton and clubs on the 5th green at your golf course.

8. To make autumn walks even more pleasant, plan out scenic stops at local taverns and “dancing” establishments.

Things not to forget when closing the cottage for the season:

1. For more “rustic” feel next summer, try locking up food and squirrels in bedroom.

2. When lifting dock out of water, remember to untie boats first!

3. Instead of hi-tech security system, leave goalie mask and hatchets around the place.

4. If screen door still squeaks after applying WD-40, try applying generous amount of your fist.

5. Replenish outhouse with plenty of dual-use Family Circus comics.

6. When putting boat away for the winter, remember to turn off whirling blade-thingy.

7. Before shutting off water, remember to re-fill lake to proper level.

8. For lottery-winners only: don’t forget to tell your parents that the whole ”buying-them-a-cottage” thing was a joke. Just imagine!

9. Safety note: leftover propane should not be stored in sandwich bags.

Six handy tips for improving your summer

1. Plan ahead. When calling in sick, turn off the jet-ski first.

2. Sure it’s a cool trick, but if you’re hoping to be re-invited to a cottage, quit opening beer bottles off the stuffed moose.

3. When the guy working the grill asks if you want “your buns toasted” - let it slide, funny guy.

4. Girl with socks and sandals? Bad. Girl with socks and sandals and nothing else? Negotiable.

5. When camping, improve your chances at remaining a lifelong virgin by whispering “Ch-ch-ch…kill-kill-kill” all the time.

6. You say “Blue Box and Green Bin” - I say “Portable hot-tub with a 48 beer cooler”!

7. Hey, bald guy. Your goatee isn’t taking anyone’s eyes off that dome-burn you got. Get a ball cap. Better yet, get me a beer from that Green Bin over there.

8. Fact: pouring a beer on those BBQ ribs looks slightly cool. Fact 2: That’s one less pour that is going in my mouth, Bobby Flay.

Failed “Winter Tourism in Canada” Campaigns:

1. Newfoundland: not just cold, damp.

2. Winter hiking in the Rockies: Bring your fat friends!

3. Who’s got Monopoly money now, yankee!

4. Toronto: if you thought the winters were cold, wait ‘til you meet the women.

5. Ontario: yours to ignore ‘til May.

6. Inukshuks: They're not just for white guys!

7. Canada: The land that global warming forgot.

8. Tundramania!

Six reasons Daylight Saving Time had to be changed:

1. Jack Bauer wanted challenge of missing hour in spring.

2. ‘Land of the Midnight Dusk’ more tourist-friendly.

3. Americans concerned we were enjoying freezing-cold pitch darkness too much.

4. ‘Daylight Savings Bond’ not accumulating enough interest.

5. Nationwide interest in making Saskatchewan feel silly just a bit longer.

6. Gives us something to talk about in March, other than “When the heck is Easter?”.

Six things you might not have known about May

1. “May” was likely named after Maia, the Roman goddess of fertility – as opposed to Maibenot, the Roman goddess of abstinence.

2. Under most circumstances, Cinco de Mayo should never involve actual mayo.

3. ‘Victoria Day’ is known as ‘Patriots Day’ in Quebec - strangely enough, in reference to the 2005 Superbowl winners.

4. The first May 2-4 was celebrated in 1837 by Queen Victoria whose parents had a really wicked cottage.

5. May is the 5th month. May has 31 days. 5 plus 31 is 36. I don’t know what that means, but someone owes me a beer.

6. May 4th is ‘Star Wars Day’ (“May the 4th be with you”). I swear to god, I’m not making this up.

7. Coincidentally, May 5th is “Wedgie Awareness Day”

Least Popular Video Games

Star Wars: Empire of Royalties

Hot Dog Tycoon III

SWAT: Seniors With Advanced Turret's

John Madden's Buffet Blitz

Lord of the Dance II: Battle for Centre Stage

The Sims 3: Back to The Couch

Grand Theft Auto IV: Makin' License Plates

Age of Umpires: High and Inside

Dungeons & Dragons: GirlQuest

Worst excuses for not fixing your deck:

1. Pressure-washer already being used in my homemade hot-tub.

2. Too many people partying on it.

3. Gaping holes provide convenient waste disposal.

4. Confused, animal-loving girlfriend won't let me use Thompson's Water Seal.

5. Barbecue already sits perfectly on disused car out back.

6. 96 new cases of beer = "Insta-Deck"

7. Blew all my money fixing the cat.

Top 6 Ways to Ruin Mothers' Day

1. While eating an entire bag of cookies before Sunday dinner, casually mention to your mom that those starving kids in China seem to be doing all right now.

2. If she hates your gift, remind her that the last time you used macaroni and gold spray-paint, she wept with happiness.

3. While watching an episode of Maury, keep insisting that your mother submit to a DNA test, "just for kicks".

4. Gift Suggestion: bring her a bunch of glued-together plates and cups and tell her it's to make up for all the ones you broke as a child.

5. In addition to a Mothers' Day card, bring her a Birthday, Easter and Christmas card, "so she can enjoy them all year round".

6. Memo to self: no matter how big a reader your mother is, 'Oedipus Rex' is best left to college students.

7. Bring her a floral wreath that says 'In Memoriam'. Tell her you thought it meant 'For Mom'.

8.If she doesn't like your card, try to convince her that being the "World's 3267th Best Mom" is still pretty cool.

6 Ways We're Not Going to Celebrate Canada Day

1. Remind anyone who will listen that it used to be called Dominion Day. If they ask why, tell them, "It's mainly because of the meat!"

2. Two words: Flag Sunburn.

3. Every time somebody says the word "beaver", interrupt by saying, "if you know what I mean". When they stare at you blankly, slowly back away.

4. Burn down the White House.

5. Keep singing "O Canada" to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"

6. Every hour, on the hour, eat a maple donut and a double-double.

7. Retrace the routes of the voyageurs… on a jet-ski.

8. Upper Canada vs. Lower Canada: Tug-o-War.

9. Air show with the Snowbirds… one plane in each province!!!

10.Fireworks at the stroke of noon.

No comments: