Apr 21, 2008

Paris-to-Ancaster Bike "Race"


Dave Henderson talked me into this crazy 60K some time last year, for which I'll never forgive him. In his defence, he says he'd never do it again, unless actively goaded by Gord Thibault. (Mr. Thibault, with a loaded handgun and nude pictures of me swinging a lightsaber could not induce me to repeat this.)

During what was considered the best weather in the race's history, the course consisted of:
  • pavement
  • gravel road
  • rail bed
  • dry dirt trails
  • many hills
  • molten lava with blaring rap music
  • mud so thick and goopy it probably contains unwary Neanderthals.
1139 started.
1064 finished.
I came in 940th, with a time of 3:39:27 (DH did a respectable 812th. Way to go, brother.)

Further break-down for me: 853/953 in gender, 264/288 in class (30-39 years old) and 2/8 in people who have never watched an episode of House.

Note: the slowest guy in the "70-79 years" class beat us both!

I managed to beat the first of three unicycles(!), and totally dominated every competitor in the "Blind-Incontinent-Amputees-Travelling Backwards-on-an-office-chair" category.

Highlights:
  • Sound of testosterone-fuelled superhero blazing up my left side at the 7K point, crashing into a bush. Sucks to be you, Lance Headstrong.
  • Making some kid's day by snagging a Wheat Thin off him in the middle of nowhere (which sat in my gut like a lump of tritium for the next 12K).
  • Offering an inner-tube to guy who needed it. Wrong size.
  • Wincing every time (half the race) my gears made a sound similar to that of a pepper-grinder operated by compulsive knuckle-cracker.
  • Wondering why there were 20 water bottles in the middle of the track, and then hitting the bump that put them there. Oh, I get it.
  • Ringing my bell for everyone who cheered us on.
  • Crossing the finish line and lying... down...
  • Coming home to my family, who had a Sunday chicken dinner ready for me.
Memo to self: riding bike for 3 hours without sunscreen in blazing sun results in body that vaguely resembles a barber pole.

Glad I did it? Yep.
Glad Dave talked me into it? Yep.
Gonna write on him with a Sharpie next time he's passed out? Two words: Gene. Simmons.






Apr 18, 2008

Math takes a Holiday.


Okay, I let this go in 2007, but they just revived the campaign. Gloves are off.

Now, I failed engineering and all - mostly due to Molson Export math - but how can "accountants" be a sub-set of "certified management accountants." (Presumably "certified management accountants" are a sub-set of "certified middle-management accountants who are vegans during Daylight Saving Time"?)

Aren't - oh, I don't know - ACCOUNTANTS supposed to be aware of set theory?

Brave lyricist shuns rhyming of "school" with "Golden Rule".


-Haileybury, ON

In a rare and shocking display of independent thought, local lyricist Lee "Lee" Goldwater has reluctantly decided against rhyming the words "school" and "Golden Rule" in an autobiographical rock song which hearkens back to his days in grade 12.

"I really wrestled with this," sighed Goldwater. "No one wants to throw away such a killer rhyme; especially when the verse of the song concerns my - admittedly unsuccessful - attempts to be "cool".

Goldwater said his previous songwriting attempt took only 14 minutes and managed to rhyme the words "sadness", "badness", "gladness" and "madness". The song - which has since been destroyed - was a turning-point in Goldwater's life.

"It just just sucked so much wang," said Goldwater, "that I had to toss it. I mean Page and Plant did this all the time, but hey... they're Zeppelin, right."

The songwriter has been unable to complete the song ("Teacher's Wet") and was at one point compelled by self-discipline to settle for rhyming "pedagogue" with "sweathog".

"Fuck yeah, it's got a ways to go, but I'm not doing this for the man," said Goldwater, tapping his forehead. "It's about what's real up here, you know?"


UPDATE: Although I plucked this photo randomly off the "web", it occurs to me that this guy is suspiciously similar to what would happen if you smashed Tom Olsen and Pete Crockford in a large hadron collider.

Apr 15, 2008

Mmmm... Light Sweet Crude...


With oil prices about to eclipse that of 2% milk, I offer the following suggestions:
  • Buy a bunch of barrels of oil. Keep 'em.
  • Don't drive to the cottage on Earth Day.
  • Stop buying shit. Everything is made of oil, dude.
  • When driving full speed with your AC on full and the windows open, try to carpool.
  • Go green by diluting your Zesty Italian with 10% ethanol.
  • Note: using spell-check on your computer wastes electrisity.
  • When offering a clean commuting alternative to automobiles, try not striking - you silly, pampered assholes.
  • Get a job in Big Oil (or Midnight Oil, if they're still hiring).
  • Invade Iran. Hey the last one worked so well!

Apr 14, 2008

Blog Post - Collector's Edition!


You are witnessing history. The first (and hopefully last) time I will ever write anything with even a whiff of political advocacy. Caveat: there are only trace quantities of humour and lots of annoying links.

Note:
  • You do not have to e-mail this to ten friends (there are people with ten friends?)
  • Microsoft will not credit you $.00000016 every time you get Rickrolled.
  • At no point do you need to close your eyes, make a wish and scroll down.
  • This isn't amazing, doesn't really work, and does not store easily under your bed.
Scam update: It appears the Nigerians are doing so well that they are actually turning down Western Union money orders. So don't bother with that, either.

Here's the deal:

Barbara Hall (yes, that Barbara Hall) and the Ontario Human Rights Commission dismissed a case last Wednesday against Mark Steyn and Maclean's magazine. Maclean's had published an excerpt of Steyn's book, America Alone.

The complainants argued that Steyn's "Islamophobic" views violated their human rights. They also complained that Maclean's refusal to "provide space for a rebuttal" also violated their human rights. (Memo to self: sue Now magazine every time they don't publish my right-wing letters to the editor.)

After extensively reviewing the complaint, the OHRC decided to dismiss it because it has no mandate to police private media - unlike the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal and the Canadian Human Rights Commission (CHRC) which have powers that would make Kim Jong-Il blush. (They get their day in court with Steyn and Maclean's this summer.)

The dismissal, however, did not stop Chief Commissioner Hall from distributing a press release that publicly tarred both defendants - in a sense, convicting them anyway. Guess who didn't get to speak to the commission at any stage of the pre-circus or its denouement? Bingo.

The National Post and it's staff of brownshirts obviously have a thing or two to say about this, but it's the Globe and Mail and the Toronto Star that have the most surprising opinions* about a commission that intends to expand its powers well into the world of the now laughable CHRC. (*I do apologise for sourcing Steyn on this, but the Globe requires a paid subscription to read the full piece.)

Say no to Thought Police.
Say no to muzzled media and blogs.
Say yes to Encore.

The OHRC can be e-mailed here:
info@ohrc.on.ca

Barbara Hall can (possibly) be reached here:
privacy@barbarahall.com

Nobody ever plays Encore.

Apr 9, 2008

Spoiler Alert!


  1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is set in 1938, starting three days after Indy last shaved.
  2. 14 seconds after Iron Man opens to a record opening day, Robert Downey Jr. will be back in rehab for "addiction to fucking up his life without actually killing himself".
  3. Any finale to Battlestar Galactica that does not involve that Cylon babe having sex with me is going to be very disappointing.
  4. On a very special episode of ER, someone will be in distress because of the preventable injury that befalls someone they love. There will be intubation.
  5. Although the Democrat nomination will go down to the wire, and the two parties will poll in a dead heat until November, in the end, people will still feel ambivalent about choosing between a woman, a black guy and an old guy.
  6. Try as you might, you are not going to lose any weight this summer.
  7. Scheduled for release in December, the new iPod Superstring will weigh in at 25 grains, will wirelessly connect to your headphones with a thought-control playlist... and you will still only listen to crap music from the 70s.

Apr 7, 2008

Area man's thumb fused to 'Control' button.

Toronto - Canada
After years of regaling unreceptive co-workers with time-saving tips on the use of keyboard short-cuts, area man Jeremy Sale had to call emergency workers to sever his left thumb from the "command" key ('control key' for PC users) on his Mac G4.

An unusually long string of short cuts involved copying a site address (cmd+ c), opening a new tab (cmd+t), pasting the address to the new tab (cmd+v), switching to Word (cmd+tab), pasting that address into Word (cmd+v), saving the Word doc (cmd+s), then quitting Word (cmd+q).

Although initially impressed with the long variety of short-cuts he had employed, Mr. Sale found that his left thumb had finally fused to the key itself.

Emergency workers initially removed the thumb and plastic key together, in order to more easily attend to the thumb/key separation - a scenario that Sale was informed might involve caustic liquids. According to Sale, he "just wishes he could 'cmd-z' the whole episode".

Apr 4, 2008

Reagan never saw this one coming...










[As seen in the National Post today - photo courtesy of Reuters. Note: the Post is not carrying this story online.]

Houston: "Luke, you've switched off your targeting computer. What's wrong?"

Update: my wife looked at this for a long time, wondering what I "photoshopped" and how that, in turn, was funny. This photo is untouched, and chuckle-worthy only by Rebel scum and Powerdroids.

Further Update: Okay, I have officially failed as a humourist. Nobody - I mean nobody - gets this. (Explanation: I think this depiction of actual satellites currently in orbit around the Earth looks uncannily like an X-Wing attacking a TIE fighter, okay? Reagan... Star Wars... ah, forget it. "You have failed me for the last time.")

Apr 2, 2008

Jetsam

This is not a Smart Car,  this is a Smug Car.

(BTW, what exactly is smart about paying 15-grand for a car that doesn't even come with a fluffy sweater to rub it against for power.)


  • Would someone please remind old Vietnamese women that horking up lungers on the sidewalk is still a no-no. Ditto to the artisans of Single Nostril Road-Surfacing - usually old European men and 17 year-old pro-choice advertisements.
  • How to tell if you are a loser (pick any two): long hair? motorcycle-injury limp? often seen cycling case of Old Milwaukee tall-boys around Mimico on 10-speed handlebars? Bingo.
  • 21st century update: thanks for the help, but I'm now fairly confident on what I'm supposed to do after the beep.
  • Why did Stormtroopers wear body-armour on the Death Star? That's a little paranoid, non?
  • No, I don't want to see your video iPod. That show sucked on HD.
  • I'm not a big fan of "missing scenes", but I think the Bible skipped something important about Eve and Cain.

And now, your Chill Magazine sneak-peek...

10 perfectly valid reasons to stop seeing a girl:
  1. For her, "cracking a cold one" involves a refrigerated hard-boiled egg.
  2. Always sneezes in twelves.
  3. Last name is Gracie... and she has brothers.
  4. You notice she has The View on DVD box-set.
  5. Likes to push around an empty stroller for "no particular reason".
  6. Opens beer bottles with her teeth and has yet to spit a cap out.
  7. Has "book club" every Friday and Saturday at 11PM.
  8. Often bursts into tears while waiting for traffic lights.
  9. Answers her phone with a voice-scrambler.
  10. Considers Alien vs. Predator a "chick-flick".
And, in the interests of equality...

10 perfectly valid reasons to stop seeing a guy:
  1. He likes long walks on the beach... backwards.
  2. Considers Carrot Top a little "cerebral".
  3. Is strongly urging you to accept the theme to Family Guy as "our song".
  4. Constantly reminds you that he's never been convicted of anything.
  5. Last name is Baldwin. And he has brothers.
  6. Dinner and a movie is always 'Silence of the Lambs', and something he's going to prepare "later".
  7. Has your parents on speed-dial.
  8. Feels intimidated by Smart Cars.
  9. Starts every single sentence with "Anyhoo".
  10. Asks for "the usual" at KFC.