May 23, 2008

Momentary Time Lapse of Reason.


Question: What side of "fight or flight" does "piss your pants while unable to move" fit into?

(I'll interject by saying this is one of those "diary" entries that I hate to employ, and totally forgive you for avoiding it like it were Hannah Montana III: the Ice Musical.)

Scene 1
INT: foyer of modest two-storey home, New Toronto.
Photo-weenie (ME) packs up time-lapse photo gear and kisses WIFE at the door.

WIFE
Be safe!

ME
See you soon. I've got my phone.

C/U: wallet on banister, as door closes.

Scene 2
EXT: gas station, Magic Hour is approaching.
ME fills car (pays cash) and drives west, enabling a drive into the city with back to the sun.

Scene 3
EXT: forlorn gas station on dodgy side of Etobicoke. Car is parked in empty lot, facing really crappy strip mall.

ME fiddles with camera, clamps and intervalometer, affixing all to roof-rack of Santa Fe with straps, gaffer tape, and combination lock for good measure.

POV: really crappy strip mall, centred in viewfinder of expensive camera. Sun is beginning to paint the Toronto skyline a colour that is seen maybe three times a year.

A tough Italian HOOD, mid-thirties, approaches menacingly. His face says whatareyoufuckinlookinat.

HOOD
Hey, what are you doing?

ME
Hi, how are you?

HOOD
What's going on?

ME
Sorry?

HOOD
Whuddya doin' with that camera?

ME
Oh, nothing.

ME sighs, mentally preparing the obligatory "here's how time-lapse video works" speech that is next.

HOOD
Seriously. What are you doing with that camera. Why are you taking pictures here?

HOOD's face is now 10 inches from ME. HOOD is not nervous, has not smiled once, and is unconcerned that he has no backup. ME looks around casually and realizes that the closest witness might be 300 yards away, if he were visible.

ME
I'm shooting some time lapse video. It's where...

HOOD
You have any ID?

ME
(semi-indignantly; he knows his "rights")
No. Why?
(smiles inwardly at thought of wallet safe on banister.)
I'm with Citytv.

HOOD is not impressed. He is, however, more confused and more pissed now.
ME fumbles at camera bag for only business card he has ever been asked for in 12 years. Finds one.

ME
(smiling) This doesn't prove I'm me, but here you go.

As he hands over card, ME realizes the combination to his camera's combination lock is written on the back of it.

ME
Actually, can I have that back? That one's no good.

HOOD pulls card farther away. His suspicion and pissed-ness are somehow multiplied.

HOOD
Why are you shooting that club? (gestures to really crappy strip mall)

ME
Actually, I'm shooting the highway. You see, with the shutter at about 2 seconds on shutter-priority, you get this nice blur that...

HOOD
(cannot believe how stupid and wimpy ME is)
That the thing Frankie Flowers does in the morning on the way to BT?

ME
No... I don't know.

HOOD
You don't... it's your station!

ME
I don't get up that early. Sorry. I should have introduced myself. My name's Jeremy. You are...

HOOD
(beat) Jack.

ME
Funny, that's... nevermind. Is everything okay? (gestures toward mall)

HOOD
(confides) Let me tell you something. You see that studio over there? Lexa?

ME smiles, looks desperately toward a photo studio that he has never heard of. There is definitely no photo studio; only a big black window that says Lexa Studio in a shitty font,

HOOD
Men go there to cheat on their wives. They don't get too excited about having their pictures taken. These are the kind of guys that have no problem serving 1 or 3 months for breaking some guy's jaw who took a picture of them. No problem at all.

ME
Oh man. sorry bout that. I getcha. I'll uh... be finished in a second. Wow. Should I just flip this around 180, or...?

HOOD
(matter-of-fact, not shouting) Just get the fuck outta here.

HOOD walks away and scrutinizes business card.
ME gets the fuck outta there.

Scene 4
EXT: other side of gas station
ME pulls around to other side of gas station, quickly checks clamps and combination lock.

ASTOUNDINGLY FAT COUPLE walks by

ASTOUNDINGLY FAT GUY
Hey, why do you have a lock on that?

ME
Because 'Murphy' was an optimist.

Car pulls out of lot at pretty good speed, without screeching. Sun has set. Magic Hour is way over. Long shutter speed now unnecessary since blur effect can now be derived solely from speed of car as it approaches on-ramp.

FADE TO BLACK

(ver-fucking-batum)