May 27, 2011

Universal translator: Photographer's edition

I usually want to choke someone when I hear the following: poseur lingo, weapons-grade gear lust, and outright lies... but of course, I protest too much.

Volume 1: Photographer-to-photographer translation

"Nice! What lens did you shoot that with?"
("You add bokeh in Photoshop, don't you, you prick.")

"What do you think of my portfolio?"
("My site sucks. Care to confirm that?")

"Yeah, I only use prime lenses. There's no comparison."
("I desperately want a 70-200 VRII, but can't afford it.")

"Nikon (Canon) is clearly superior to Canon (Nikon)"
("I couldn't tell the difference between a Lomo and a Hasselblad.")

"You can't beat Pocket Wizards for dependability."
("I can't believe I actually dropped $400 on these things.")

"I prefer shooting available light."
("There's no way I'm dropping $400 on Pocket Wizards.")
"My f/1.2 is just in a whole other league from the f/1.4—you can't go back."
("Dammit, I should have bought a Smart Car instead.")

"I read Esquire for the photography."
("Did you know Megan Fox has a tattoo underneath her tongue?")
"I watch America's Next Top Model if my wife puts it on, but it's just for the photo shoots."
("Omigod, Molly got totally screwed. What were they thinking!")

"I always nail it in-camera. I don't like to use much post."
("Clarity? 85... Vibrance? 60... Vignetting? all the way, then back it off a notch.")

"... and then I used twenty-five SB-900s to fill in the USS Nimitz in the background."
("Hi, my name's Joe. It's nice to meet you.")